Weight loss struggles

I am being very transparent in this blog. Please be kind.  I am opening a big can of worms for myself and ripping open some wound that to be healed. I don't want to repeat my past and obtain my fitness  goals.  I am hoping by letting my past out and dealing with all the emotions I can move on to become a success for good in this part of my life.

I  have been over weight my entire life. I have probably gained and lost over 1000 pounds in my adult life. I have never reached my goal.  I never understood why until recently. I finally figured it out. I don't know how to handle the attention especially from males.  I also don't know how to formulate a new image go myself in my head and I am addicted to food.  I use food as my comfort.

From the time I can remember the people I loved and respected would tell me things like, you're have such a beautiful face if only you coul loose a few pounds. you would be so good at any given activity if you would loose x amount of pounds. You have such a good personality too bad you're overweight.  There were many other remarks like those I received. I think these people thought it would motivated me not thinking they were creating my self image.

Let's jump ahead to adult life.  I can't even count how many times I have lost weight and regained it.  Thinking back there has always been  an event that has triggered me to start eating and giving up.  At first I thought it was positive attention but really it's my self image and I liked the attention males gave me.   I liked looking better in others eyes I don't and didn't like where the attention led. 

I have been sexually assaulted twice and date raped once.  Each time the person stated it was because "I looked so good."  All happened when I was close to my goal.  2 of 2 happened because of poor judgement and the situation I put myself in. One I thought I was in a safe place and didn't think I was doing anything wrong.  The hard part comes next.  

Sexual assault one went on a date on someone's houseboat. I had been out with him a few times but didn't know him well. Long story short he handcuffed me to a hand rail  down in the kitchen, took off my clothes. Stared at me for awhile then left me for awhile came back let me go and said that's what you get for looking so good.  Gained 40  pounds.  

Yo yo'd up and down for awhile then became serious about getting healthy.  Date rape.  After dating a guy for awhile invited him over to watch a movie at my house after my kids had gone to bed.  He wanted sex I said no he grabbed me dragged me to my room threatened to harm my children if I woke them or didn't cooperate with him.  He told me repeatedly this wouldn't happen if you didn't look so good. Both times I was wearing jeans and t-shirt.  This time I gained over 50 pounds.

Did the same thing yo yo'd up and down for a few years then got really serious again. Sexual assault number 2.  Helping with the offering at church, went back in an office to count it with a male.  The male locked the door and tried suduce me.  I was told how great I looked and how if I didn't look so hot he wouldn't want me like he did.  This is the only one I reported.  I reported it to my Pastor.  Pastor told me it was my fault released me the positions I held at church.  

I have done yo yoing up and down now for several years.   The last time I was close to my goal weight was a few years ago.  It only took one sentence from my brother in law to through me off.  It was innocent and meant as a compliment. All he said was "wow you are looking great."  Then said something about all of us ladies looking hot.  I gave I. That day and started yo yoing again..

When Bryan died I put on weight on purpose.  I wanted to die.  This was the way it was going to happen.  We all know what obesity causes. Ultimately death.  

I tell you all go this because I have started my healthy journey again. This year I have lost over 40 pound. I started in January.  I started at a whopping 214 pounds.  In June I was down to186 then gained 10 back and now I am back down to 184. I don't want to follow the same path as before.  I want to obtain my goals.  So how do I do that without my past haunting me?

I am hoping by putting my story out there, being accountable and hopefully gaining a big support system I will reach and maintain my goals. I have changed my lifestyle and dealing with my addiction to food.  I want to learn to deal with the comments and my emotions.  One pound at a time. 

I am in awe

Krystal left Tuesday morning for Uganda. I am so proud of her. She has such faith. She knew she was suppose to go and totally trusted God to meet all of her needs. There were so many challenge and obstacles she had to overcome. Every time she overcame one another one would come at her. God answered every prayer and every need. 

One of her biggest obstacles was funding. In the beginning of January she only had $400/3500. The end of January she had just enough to buy her ticket. She asked me if she should and me being a logical mom I said "no way. You need to have at least some money for the mission."  She bought her ticket anyway. She kept telling me to trust God he would provide. Not easy for a parent to do when it deals with the safety and health of your child. She then got just enough to pay for her immunizations. Still nothing for when she was there or to pay for the mission itself. I was one nervous mom. She went to her collage and career group and received $91. Mind you this is Thursday and she leaves on Tuesday. She doesn't have enough to even pay for her visa and get to the DTS base. Sunday came around, God put a peace I. My heart and I knew everything would work out. She got a $500 donation. At least she could get to the base and pay for visa. 

She left on Tuesday morning not knowing how she would pay the rest. Thursday I found out she had another $900 donated with some people committing to a monthly donation. God is so good. I am in awe of how He always comes through. As usual He waited for the 11th hour but he came through. 

I am so excited to hear her adventures and how God will use her. Everyone says the parents are to teach the kids. My kids have taught me far more than I think I taught them. Krystal is such an inspiration. She showed if God is for you no one can be against you. To keep your focus on Jesus and not your circumstances. 

Thanksgiving 2013

I was suppose to write on here everyday this month what I am thankful for. Without going into detail, I will just say this month sucked!  It started out ok and then took a turn for the bad and keep going in that direction.  So instead of trying to catch up I am going to just write a general thankful post.

I am Thankful my God gives me second, third and fourth and sometimes more, chances. I am thankful for mistakes, I know that sounds corny.  It's through my second chances and mistakes I learn the most about myself and others.  I wish I wasn't so stubborn and could learn the same thing through others mistakes. 

I already posted I am thankful for my husband. I have to say it again. I am so thankful for Stuart.  He puts up with a lot.  He supports me and loves me through all of my mistakes and life lessons. God gave me the best He could give me on this blessing.

Thank you to each one of you. Each of you give me support and encouragement when it's needed. I have great friend and family. 

November 6

Today I am thankful I can sew..  Today I was so blessed that I got to sew all day. Well almost all day. I did stop to wait in line for a free hamburger that I didn't even eat I gave it to my daughter. Anyway back to sewing. I love to create things with fabric. The best thing is when you give your creation and the person likes it as much as I do..  I don't get many days that I can do what I want.  It's a good day.

November 5

Today I am thankful for wake up call.  Today I had a wake up call with my health.  I saw what life will be like if I don't get healthier. It's not a life I want to live in the future. I started dealing with what's holding me back and how I am going to change.

November 4

Yep already behind!  I will make up for it. I wrote down what I was thankful for the last few days, my thoughts just never reached here.

Today I am thankful for our renters. We own two rental properties an both have great renters in them.  After having some not so good ones, makes you appreciate someone paying the rent on time and taking care of the house.  Both sets of renters will only call when they need something.  I never have to hound them for rent.  What a relief.  I hope they stay for awhile.  

November 3

Today I am thankful for my husband. He has loved me through so much.  He is the hardest working man I know.  He is talented and can do or figure out how to make anything. This weekend he spent over 20 hours working on ou pool fence and still had enough time and energy to have a date night with me.

He loves me unconditionally.  He never gives up on us.  There have been time I must admit I wanted to throw in the towel. He's the one that gives me a reason not to. I am such a blessed woman!

November 2

Today I am thankful for my siblings.  We don't live close but I know they have my back.  My sister is awesome she is the first one to show up and take control in the family crisis.  She keeps all the information straight in all the crisis so she can relay to me as accurate as possible  She is the first to start praying.  She lights up the room when she comes in. I am older but she is my inspiration I would be lost with out her. Some day I hope to be as awesome as she is.

My brother gaves us quite a scare this year. I can't imagine my world without him. He is kind and gentle would give you the shirt off his back. He has had a lot to deal with in his life. He is always thinking and is alway good for a laugh.

November 1

I have to start my thankful list today.  I am thankful God gave me the privilege to be Bryan, Krystal, Kyle , and Heather's mom.  What a blessing I have in each one of them. Each have taught me far more than I have taught them..  They are my heart and soul.  My world would not be complete if I hadn't had them. Thank you, God for entrusting each of these precious souls to me.  Help me to overcome my iniquities.

Thanksgiving

I never did catch up.  Today as I sit  in early in the morning reflect on all that I have I am truly thankful.  I am thankful for all the obvious things, family, friends, home, co workers etc.  but I am thankful for so much more.  I am thankful for the small everyday miracle that God lets me see and be part of.  I am thankful for each new day, I am thankful for all of my dark times, not that I like or want to go through them, but its through those time I learn the most about my family, friends and myself.  I am thankful I made it through my darkest time of my life in one piece and I didn't have to go to the funny farm. This time last year I think I was certifiably crazy.


I am thankful for incredible, wonderful, talented husband.  He stuck by me and helped me more than I can express.  I am thankful for the season we are in our relationship. God blessed me abundantly when he gave me Stuart.

I am thankful for my each of my children, their talents, their health and for what they teach me.

There is so much more! So many blessing I have that I thank God he has given me.  I am exactly where I should be.

Thankful journal day 6

Today I am so thankful I live in the greatest country.  I am thankful I am free and have rights of choosing what I say and what I believe.

Thankful journal 5

Today I am thankful I worked in post partum with moms and babies. I love seeing a new mom fall in love with her baby. What a special opportunity it is.

Thankful journey day 4

Today I am thankful that I got to spend the afternoon with the love of my life. These moments are rare but I love them. I love that we really don't have to do much to have fun together.

Thankful journey 3

Today I am thankful I am so flexible in my job. I can work in many areas. Today I got to work in one of  my favorite areas, post partum or new moms and babies.  There is nothing like a new moms love for her baby.

Thankful journey day 2

I have been so busy I haven't had a chance to keep up but I will catch up.

Today I am thankful for modern technology. There many times I hate it, but for the most part I love it.  I get to ,in a milli second connect with friends and family,  fend a recipe, do research and journal my crazy thoughts and do research.  I can take any or all my musical album or book with anywhere I go and it only weighs less than a pound. I can watch any movie or tv show anytime I want.

thankful journal day one

I started my thankful journaling a day or so ago in my 4-1 blog but this is the official start. Looking at today world and the country\'s economic status I am so thankful that both my husband and I have jobs that allow us so many luxuries that so many people can\'t afford. We have a decent house, cars that run and food to eat.

45

A few weeks ago I turned 45. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary for my first marriage. I would have been married 27 years.  Really can I be that old?  Part of me is truly amazed that I made to 45.  I have definantly took my chances and have scars to prove it.  Ok I took chances when I was younger.  Now I have let fear set in and dont take many anymore. For whatever reason I have a harder time with the 5's than the 0's.  I have had a really hard time to adjusting to being 45.  Maybe because I feel so much older and feel like I have lived many more life experiences than a lot of people my age. 

When I was 18 and just starting out.  I had my life all planned out.  Get married be a mom, live in a house with a white picket fence, a dog, a cat and a couple of kids.  The kids would grow up, go to college, move out, get married, and they would have kids.  No where in the plans did it include becoming a widow, being a single parent, getting married again, adopting his kids, losing a child and having my 23 year old still live with me.  My plans were not God's plans.  In most cases I am glad God overruled my plans.  My life is crazy and tiresome but most things I have lived through I would do it over again. 

I still think 45 is old yes even if you are one of my friends that are the same age and are in denial.  We are old but we are getting better with every year.

Decisions

I really hate decisions that I have to make when there is no right answer and I lose in all the options. My husband can't live with my daughter  anymore. He has valid reasons and he has put up with a lot.. So my choices are kick her out which sets her up for failure, move out with her and give her a certain amount of time to get her act together and then make go out on her own, or stay here with her and that sets everyone up for disaster.  I really want a happy medium and there is not one.

I know what I want what I should, and the decision I will probably make. None make me happy. I hate being the middle.

Moms

I really have to say being a Mom is the hardest job ever.  There is not one Mom that knew what she was signing up for when she decided to become a mom.  No one can ever be prepared for the emotions and the immediate love you feel when you find out your going to be a mom.  It always comes as a surprise how much you love this baby or child.  It doesn't matter if its your first or your tenth, by means of another mom , or if you carried the child in your womb for 9 months, your heart will open up and love them more than imaginable. The emotions that God puts in a Mother's heart  are overwhelming.

Being a Mom will bring you the extreme of emotions.  You will feel happiness, joy, frustration, love, pride,  anger, disappointment, sadness, and so many more emotions to depths that you never thought possible. Your child is the one person you would give up your life for and not even think about, you would rather be ran over by a mac truck than have your child get a scrape on the knee.  When your child's heart breaks, your heart breaks and you automatically go into the "momma bear" mode, you will fight to the bitter end of the battle.  If someone hurts your child you want to rip their eyeballs out.

Moms are the toughest people there are.  We fight the battles, love like no other, stay up for days on ends when our kids are sick, love like no other, support and encourage our kids even when no one else thinks there is a chance, we cry with them, and we always doubt ourselves and feel we can or could have done better. We get the credit or the blame for almost everything good or bad. There is more learning experiences in a mom's day than we can count.

I want to say to all mom's today, you are a great Mom.  The sacrifices you make are noticed by your children even if nothing is said.  Your child loves you and you can never be replaced.  Being a mom is hard work and under appreciated at least you feel that way but your child knows in his heart what you do for him/her.


To my mom:  Thank you!  I know we don't always get a long but I do notice and appreciate all you do for me and for always being there for me.


To my kids


Bryan, God only gave you to me for a limited time.  You taught me to love unconditionally, to find the positive in all situation and you taught me how a deep a child's love is for a mom.  Thank you for being such a willing guinea pig.  I love you!  You left a huge hole in my heart that won't be filled


Krystal, my sweet sweet girl.  You teach me something new everyday.  Your loyalty and compassion you have astounds me.  You are my sunshine!  Thank you for supporting me and walking through life with me.  I don't think I would have made it if I couldn't see your smile and hear you say I love you just to hear me say What do you want?

Kyle my logical one.  You teach me something everyday usually I don't even know what I am learning until later and can spill all the info you have given me. There is not a computer or program you can't figure out I love your tenacity Thank you for letting me be your Mom

Heather, My tender hearted fraidy cat.  Your imagination and creativity amaze me.  You are so talented. You are so sweet.  Thanks for being so wonderful!

Single Motherhood is for the birds

This week I have been thrust back into single motherhood.  Stuart had to go on a business trip to Florida.  I wonder how I did it for so many years with Krystal and Bryan. Just getting organized and matching up schedules was exhausting.  I had to rearrange my work schedule not as easy as it sounds, call a friend to get Heather to and from school and dance on the days I worked.  Thanks Pam.  I had to make sure my young absent minded professor (Kyle) understood he had to make sure the animals were fed and watered on the days I work (which he still forgot).  Heather came to his rescue or the animals rescue.    I am overwhelmed and it is only Tuesday and I have until Saturday before Stuart comes home.

I forgot what a hard job it is and how organized you have to be to make things go smoothly.  I am also reminded of what a great blessing it is to have a husband that is so active in the kids lives and always helping me out.  I am glad I only have to do this for a week and not on a permanent basis.  Thanks for everyone that is helping me get through this week!