Thanksgiving

I never did catch up.  Today as I sit  in early in the morning reflect on all that I have I am truly thankful.  I am thankful for all the obvious things, family, friends, home, co workers etc.  but I am thankful for so much more.  I am thankful for the small everyday miracle that God lets me see and be part of.  I am thankful for each new day, I am thankful for all of my dark times, not that I like or want to go through them, but its through those time I learn the most about my family, friends and myself.  I am thankful I made it through my darkest time of my life in one piece and I didn't have to go to the funny farm. This time last year I think I was certifiably crazy.


I am thankful for incredible, wonderful, talented husband.  He stuck by me and helped me more than I can express.  I am thankful for the season we are in our relationship. God blessed me abundantly when he gave me Stuart.

I am thankful for my each of my children, their talents, their health and for what they teach me.

There is so much more! So many blessing I have that I thank God he has given me.  I am exactly where I should be.

Thankful journal day 6

Today I am so thankful I live in the greatest country.  I am thankful I am free and have rights of choosing what I say and what I believe.

Thankful journal 5

Today I am thankful I worked in post partum with moms and babies. I love seeing a new mom fall in love with her baby. What a special opportunity it is.

Thankful journey day 4

Today I am thankful that I got to spend the afternoon with the love of my life. These moments are rare but I love them. I love that we really don't have to do much to have fun together.

Thankful journey 3

Today I am thankful I am so flexible in my job. I can work in many areas. Today I got to work in one of  my favorite areas, post partum or new moms and babies.  There is nothing like a new moms love for her baby.

Thankful journey day 2

I have been so busy I haven't had a chance to keep up but I will catch up.

Today I am thankful for modern technology. There many times I hate it, but for the most part I love it.  I get to ,in a milli second connect with friends and family,  fend a recipe, do research and journal my crazy thoughts and do research.  I can take any or all my musical album or book with anywhere I go and it only weighs less than a pound. I can watch any movie or tv show anytime I want.

thankful journal day one

I started my thankful journaling a day or so ago in my 4-1 blog but this is the official start. Looking at today world and the country\'s economic status I am so thankful that both my husband and I have jobs that allow us so many luxuries that so many people can\'t afford. We have a decent house, cars that run and food to eat.

45

A few weeks ago I turned 45. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary for my first marriage. I would have been married 27 years.  Really can I be that old?  Part of me is truly amazed that I made to 45.  I have definantly took my chances and have scars to prove it.  Ok I took chances when I was younger.  Now I have let fear set in and dont take many anymore. For whatever reason I have a harder time with the 5's than the 0's.  I have had a really hard time to adjusting to being 45.  Maybe because I feel so much older and feel like I have lived many more life experiences than a lot of people my age. 

When I was 18 and just starting out.  I had my life all planned out.  Get married be a mom, live in a house with a white picket fence, a dog, a cat and a couple of kids.  The kids would grow up, go to college, move out, get married, and they would have kids.  No where in the plans did it include becoming a widow, being a single parent, getting married again, adopting his kids, losing a child and having my 23 year old still live with me.  My plans were not God's plans.  In most cases I am glad God overruled my plans.  My life is crazy and tiresome but most things I have lived through I would do it over again. 

I still think 45 is old yes even if you are one of my friends that are the same age and are in denial.  We are old but we are getting better with every year.

Decisions

I really hate decisions that I have to make when there is no right answer and I lose in all the options. My husband can't live with my daughter  anymore. He has valid reasons and he has put up with a lot.. So my choices are kick her out which sets her up for failure, move out with her and give her a certain amount of time to get her act together and then make go out on her own, or stay here with her and that sets everyone up for disaster.  I really want a happy medium and there is not one.

I know what I want what I should, and the decision I will probably make. None make me happy. I hate being the middle.

Moms

I really have to say being a Mom is the hardest job ever.  There is not one Mom that knew what she was signing up for when she decided to become a mom.  No one can ever be prepared for the emotions and the immediate love you feel when you find out your going to be a mom.  It always comes as a surprise how much you love this baby or child.  It doesn't matter if its your first or your tenth, by means of another mom , or if you carried the child in your womb for 9 months, your heart will open up and love them more than imaginable. The emotions that God puts in a Mother's heart  are overwhelming.

Being a Mom will bring you the extreme of emotions.  You will feel happiness, joy, frustration, love, pride,  anger, disappointment, sadness, and so many more emotions to depths that you never thought possible. Your child is the one person you would give up your life for and not even think about, you would rather be ran over by a mac truck than have your child get a scrape on the knee.  When your child's heart breaks, your heart breaks and you automatically go into the "momma bear" mode, you will fight to the bitter end of the battle.  If someone hurts your child you want to rip their eyeballs out.

Moms are the toughest people there are.  We fight the battles, love like no other, stay up for days on ends when our kids are sick, love like no other, support and encourage our kids even when no one else thinks there is a chance, we cry with them, and we always doubt ourselves and feel we can or could have done better. We get the credit or the blame for almost everything good or bad. There is more learning experiences in a mom's day than we can count.

I want to say to all mom's today, you are a great Mom.  The sacrifices you make are noticed by your children even if nothing is said.  Your child loves you and you can never be replaced.  Being a mom is hard work and under appreciated at least you feel that way but your child knows in his heart what you do for him/her.


To my mom:  Thank you!  I know we don't always get a long but I do notice and appreciate all you do for me and for always being there for me.


To my kids


Bryan, God only gave you to me for a limited time.  You taught me to love unconditionally, to find the positive in all situation and you taught me how a deep a child's love is for a mom.  Thank you for being such a willing guinea pig.  I love you!  You left a huge hole in my heart that won't be filled


Krystal, my sweet sweet girl.  You teach me something new everyday.  Your loyalty and compassion you have astounds me.  You are my sunshine!  Thank you for supporting me and walking through life with me.  I don't think I would have made it if I couldn't see your smile and hear you say I love you just to hear me say What do you want?

Kyle my logical one.  You teach me something everyday usually I don't even know what I am learning until later and can spill all the info you have given me. There is not a computer or program you can't figure out I love your tenacity Thank you for letting me be your Mom

Heather, My tender hearted fraidy cat.  Your imagination and creativity amaze me.  You are so talented. You are so sweet.  Thanks for being so wonderful!

Single Motherhood is for the birds

This week I have been thrust back into single motherhood.  Stuart had to go on a business trip to Florida.  I wonder how I did it for so many years with Krystal and Bryan. Just getting organized and matching up schedules was exhausting.  I had to rearrange my work schedule not as easy as it sounds, call a friend to get Heather to and from school and dance on the days I worked.  Thanks Pam.  I had to make sure my young absent minded professor (Kyle) understood he had to make sure the animals were fed and watered on the days I work (which he still forgot).  Heather came to his rescue or the animals rescue.    I am overwhelmed and it is only Tuesday and I have until Saturday before Stuart comes home.

I forgot what a hard job it is and how organized you have to be to make things go smoothly.  I am also reminded of what a great blessing it is to have a husband that is so active in the kids lives and always helping me out.  I am glad I only have to do this for a week and not on a permanent basis.  Thanks for everyone that is helping me get through this week!

February

It's the beginning of February already.  This month is not my favorite.  Too many bad thing have happened in this month over the years. And I hate Valentines day even now that I am married and Stuart always tries to do something for to make it special and help wash away all the bad memories.

This year will also be hard for the obvious reason.  I have always done something special for the kids and they each got a Valentine.  I have to admit doing special things for my kids is not easy anymore.  I always want to do something for all of them and all of them aren't here anymore.  I know life goes on but every now and then my world stops so I can think of Bryan.

I have decided to go into this month positively.  I am going to make this month a good month.  I will put a little effort into Valentines, I can promise it won't be much effort but a little will go along way.  I have some nieces graduating this year and I am working on their graduation gifts.  It is nice to get my mind off of all the junk. 

So Happy February!!

Worst mom

Ever feel like you have been a total failure to you kids. With the events of the last few months that's where I am at. I take one step forward and 10 steps back. I have failed at teaching my children many many life lessons and am not sure how to teach them now. I have spent the last few months in heartache and the last few weeks the heartache has been impounded by decisions and actions of my children. I wish I had the answers. I wish I could turn the hands of time back to change what and how I taught my children. Lately I think I was not meant to be a mom. I have messed up the responsibility of my greatest blessings.

2012

2011 was a memorable year.  It was a year full of change, blessings disappointment and the biggest heart break of my life.  Its a year I would never want to repeat.  I have 3 job changes and am about to experience another. I have had great loss this year both emotionally and physical.  I watched as my son abused drugs, went to jail was beat up, stabbed and take advantage of the people he loved the most.  I also got the most dreaded phone call a mother could ever get.

As we 2012 I have great expectations. There are many  changes that need be made.  I will start a new job eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later.  I am going to continue the journey of bettering myself, becoming healthy, fit, and the person that I would want as wife, mom, and friend. I am going to continue to find peace and acceptance of the change that happened last year, some change was my decision and many I could not prevent.  In the next year I hope to achieve the goals for myself.  I don't like to think of them as resolutions because I usually forget resolutions a couple weeks into the year

I hope for all of my friends, family and acquaintances, a happy, healthy and prosperous year.  I hope for myself accommodation, and a sense of peace.