I have been over weight my entire life. I have probably gained and lost over 1000 pounds in my adult life. I have never reached my goal. I never understood why until recently. I finally figured it out. I don't know how to handle the attention especially from males. I also don't know how to formulate a new image go myself in my head and I am addicted to food. I use food as my comfort.
From the time I can remember the people I loved and respected would tell me things like, you're have such a beautiful face if only you coul loose a few pounds. you would be so good at any given activity if you would loose x amount of pounds. You have such a good personality too bad you're overweight. There were many other remarks like those I received. I think these people thought it would motivated me not thinking they were creating my self image.
Let's jump ahead to adult life. I can't even count how many times I have lost weight and regained it. Thinking back there has always been an event that has triggered me to start eating and giving up. At first I thought it was positive attention but really it's my self image and I liked the attention males gave me. I liked looking better in others eyes I don't and didn't like where the attention led.
I have been sexually assaulted twice and date raped once. Each time the person stated it was because "I looked so good." All happened when I was close to my goal. 2 of 2 happened because of poor judgement and the situation I put myself in. One I thought I was in a safe place and didn't think I was doing anything wrong. The hard part comes next.
Sexual assault one went on a date on someone's houseboat. I had been out with him a few times but didn't know him well. Long story short he handcuffed me to a hand rail down in the kitchen, took off my clothes. Stared at me for awhile then left me for awhile came back let me go and said that's what you get for looking so good. Gained 40 pounds.
Yo yo'd up and down for awhile then became serious about getting healthy. Date rape. After dating a guy for awhile invited him over to watch a movie at my house after my kids had gone to bed. He wanted sex I said no he grabbed me dragged me to my room threatened to harm my children if I woke them or didn't cooperate with him. He told me repeatedly this wouldn't happen if you didn't look so good. Both times I was wearing jeans and t-shirt. This time I gained over 50 pounds.
Did the same thing yo yo'd up and down for a few years then got really serious again. Sexual assault number 2. Helping with the offering at church, went back in an office to count it with a male. The male locked the door and tried suduce me. I was told how great I looked and how if I didn't look so hot he wouldn't want me like he did. This is the only one I reported. I reported it to my Pastor. Pastor told me it was my fault released me the positions I held at church.
I have done yo yoing up and down now for several years. The last time I was close to my goal weight was a few years ago. It only took one sentence from my brother in law to through me off. It was innocent and meant as a compliment. All he said was "wow you are looking great." Then said something about all of us ladies looking hot. I gave I. That day and started yo yoing again..
When Bryan died I put on weight on purpose. I wanted to die. This was the way it was going to happen. We all know what obesity causes. Ultimately death.
I tell you all go this because I have started my healthy journey again. This year I have lost over 40 pound. I started in January. I started at a whopping 214 pounds. In June I was down to186 then gained 10 back and now I am back down to 184. I don't want to follow the same path as before. I want to obtain my goals. So how do I do that without my past haunting me?
I am hoping by putting my story out there, being accountable and hopefully gaining a big support system I will reach and maintain my goals. I have changed my lifestyle and dealing with my addiction to food. I want to learn to deal with the comments and my emotions. One pound at a time.
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